*This is part 4 in a series on grief and sorrow going through the book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller. To begin on part 1, click here.
INTRODUCTION
One can go only so far in being helpful to one’s family and community while bottling and hiding parts of oneself that one is not allowing to be healed, or ‘come to the table’ as we say.
There is something about being able to be in touch with your own emotions in order to have authentic connection with the world around us. We can keep our views and ideas fragmented off into compartments, but after a while we will find it’s very difficult for people to truly feel you are present with them. This post is about why unprocessed grief and shame keep us emotionally unavailable and what we can do about it.
The Human Need for Connection
I was in ministry for many years and at times I would find myself trying very much to listen and connect to people sharing their hearts and their griefs with me. Admittedly, I found it difficult at times to really connect and empathize with what they’re saying. I had to be vulnerable to open up a place within myself that could feel and connect with them. At times, this was easier than others, why? What causes these connection blockages? (This book helped me a lot, The Body Keeps the Score)
My husband and I have been watching the series on Netflix about the royal family called “The Crown.” In one episode they focusing on Aberfan, a terrible disaster that happened in 1966 where a village endured coal slurry avalanche killing 116 children and 28 adults. It was noted that the queen was having difficulty connecting emotionally with the people in their suffering. She shared about her difficulty to cry in various times when tears would have been appropriate, and she had to come to grips with her own lack of feeling and empathy in order to visit this town and see the mass grave of children, welcoming the emotions, grief and sorrow.
Much of what is shared here in this blog, and from the podcast I reference, comes from the book, “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”, by Francis Weller.
(*As an Amazon affiliate I may receive a small kickback from your purchases if you use my links.)
I heard the queen say in previous episodes this phrase that I had only heard once before by a cousin from England, “well we have to just get on with it don’t we?” The context that my cousin said it and was at a funeral recently, but I had never heard it before. And then when the queen said it in the show, it really hit me– the importance of dealing with grief properly because we have to #1 engage in the life around us (we can’t hide from the world!) and #2 be present for those that God has entrusted into our lives.
How to get unstuck from grief and shame
I thought to myself? “What is it that I need in order to get on with it?“ Obviously we don’t want to stay in a place of grief, but the danger is that we will continue to have this deep sorrow growing us, misdiagnosed as depression, keeping us going in circles and never really getting anywhere. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to waste my days on earth frozen in time as it were just waiting to die. I suppose the first step is to pull on the thread and unravel it as far as you can until you hit the knot, aka ‘the root issue’, and spend a little time there carefully massaging it out.
If you have every experience this with yard or thread, or even a chain necklace knot, you can understand what I mean. When you get to a stuck point, pulling on it makes it worse. Cutting it off with scissors, well that just destroys it all together. When you are frustrated or in a hurry, you may try one of those. But to take time and carefully massage the knot, loosening it up so you can untangle it– that is caring for your wound. Paying attention to your deep pain, letting your soul know, “I see you. Your pain matters. I won’t ignore you.” That can be considered getting to the root, and healing the wounds.
Self Love = Self Care
There is so much talk about self care right now, but I don’t think self care is comprised of spa days and retail therapy. When I think of self care, I think of soul care, which I equate to “self love”. (A book on kindle about soul care you may want to check out)
So Jesus said there were 2 great commandments, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul mind and strength. And Love your neighbor as yourself. He said that the entirety of the law and the prophets hangs on these commands. But think about this; how can you love your neighbor AS yourself if you don’t love yourself?
“‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”
What if the lovelessness / compassion epidemic is actually caused by a root of self-hate? There is a shame-based epidemic in the church that somehow teaches (outwardly or subliminally) a "performance-based" faith, suggesting that falling short of a Jesus-like standard means you are fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or disappointing to God.
I am not saying 100% of cases, but I would guess close to it, the ‘self hate’ is actually “shame”. I know in my case, that is the root I have been addressing for years and I am not afraid to name it and call it what it is. Shame is incredibly powerful. It is like the yeast in the dough that is spread throughout every fiber and so very difficult to entangle. And the worst thing is that the very topic of “shame” is shameful to talk about! God how I wish more preachers and pulpits could shout from the rooftops, “let all who are full of shame come to the waters and drink of the mercies of God!”
how to deal with deep rooted shame
I want to share this powerful excerpt from Chapter 3 of The Wild Edge of Sorrow:
“Shame ruptures our connection with life and with our soul. When feelings of shame arise, we pull back from the world, avoiding contact that could cause or risk exposure. The last thing we want in times of excruciating self-consciousness is to be seen. We find ourselves avoiding the gaze of others, we become silent and withdrawn, all in hopes of slipping under the radar…”
The last part of this quote, this is what hit me very hard, in fact, I have been ruminating on this for months:
“The goal of the shame-bound person is to get from birth to death without ever being an echo on the radar of life. My tombstone was going to say “Safe at Last.” ”
The first thing to do is to decide whether you want to be shame-bound. If the answer is ‘no’, then we begin the work of healing.
Healing Shame Prayerfully
Find a quiet space without distractions. A space where you have the room to explore your heart without being rushed. Consider playing some background worship music that helps you engage with the Lord.
Begin by worshipping the Lord, inviting His presence to come into this place with you. (I have some worship playlists on my youtube channel available if you need help figuring out where to start)
Confessions of gratitude that help you to get grounded in knowing that God is Good, that God Loves you, and that He indeed IS with you.
Pray and ask the Lord to show you the wounded parts inside of your soul
Speak tenderly to yourself, as your loving Heavenly Father would be speaking to you. I know this is hard, this is the hardest part.
Pause, and try to clear your mind. Keep a notepad by you to jot down distracting thoughts and get back into the clear head space. When you feel completely clear, at rest, ask the Lord, “is there anything You want me to know?”
Anything you feel is from the Lord, write down.
Lastly, I want to say this is not a one time fix. This is a practice every believer needs to regularly visit. This is a place that keeps us from veering off into dark places in our hearts and minds. When we go too long in between touching these places in our soul, it can feel like we are starting over again sometimes. We need to keep on going into times with the Lord like this, loving on those neglected parts of ourselves making sure they always feel welcome.
When we are taking care of our soul, then, and only then, can we get on with it.
I have filled this blog post up with several resources to help you in addition the the book I am most focused on, The Wild Edge of Sorrow. Here are the additional resources that may help if you are looking for more on breaking off shame and soul care:
Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw
The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves, Curt Thompson MD
Note: As an Amazon affiliate I may receive a small kickback from your purchases if you use my links.