Sometimes I feel like I want to throw a fit- God! Why aren’t You answering me? Why aren’t You speaking? Can You just make this clear please? But what a humbling meditation to think that there actually may be a good reason He is being quiet… and it has nothing to do with my motivations, piety or me at all. There’s more happening than meets the eye and I must develop this ‘trust muscle’.

It is a furnace, it is in this place we face our demons. You know when you are alone, truly alone, you find out how much you can’t stand being alone. Alone with your thoughts, alone with your insecurities, alone with the realities of the parts of you inside poking their heads out to remind you that they are still there and you can’t ignore them when you are alone, just you and God. You must get around people and be busy- distracted, in order to ignore the existence of these demons.

The year was 2009 and I found myself like a mother hen gathering her chicks and looking for safety for us to take refuge. I remember the feeling of being incredible vulnerable and resolute simultaneously. There was no option of rolling over I had to find strength and push through for these little ones. We drove our kids across the country and came into the prayer room in Kansas City and as I sat in the front row while the worship team played, the my heart was directed to Psalm 84 and this passage has been so dear to my heart ever since.

Can you sit in a room with someone, say no words, give no actions, and feel loved? This is what we run to and run away from with God. There is no greater love felt than simply being in God’s presence, could you agree? To be in the presence of another and feel love, is truly love. When there is nothing to gain from it, nothing to stoke it to keep it going, it simply is.

I heard someone preach about this idea of “being used by God” a long time ago, and the imagery they shared stuck with me for many years and often comes up in my mind.

I was thinking about this idea of how we find our value in being ‘used’ by God. If we are God’s children and we desire God to ‘use’ us, what’s wrong with that, right?

When we are delivered out of this world and in heaven with Christ there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more suffering. The pains of this age will cease. The betrayals and accusations will be a thing of the past. All the things that ail us will be remembered no more. There will be no more dark days.

Today, in this present age, we suffer. We hurt. We get disappointed. We experience loss. Many days I wake up and don’t know how I will breathe through another day. The pressures, fears and difficulties seem overwhelming at times. Yet…

I have never been one who could follow a recipe precisely. Most of the time that hasn’t been a problem, so it comes out less sweet or needing salt, no big deal. However there have been so many times that I missed a critical ingredient or tried to do my own thing and it came out horrible. I can’t count the number of baked goods I have had to throw away over the years because no one would eat it. And yet I would continue to make the same mistake over and over and tell myself, “Why cant you just follow the recipe!?” There have been times however that I messed up pretty bad and unexpectedly it came out amazing! Shocking!

Last year the Lord began speaking to me about this word, “surrender”. It was as if a sharp needle poked a raw, open wound. We all use the word “surrender”, and we sing about it and speak of it as if it is normal and simple, but this encounter I had with the Lord over it proved different. In essence, what the Lord was saying to me was, “you don’t know the first thing about ‘surrender’.”

The setting is a garden. The season is the end of winter. An interesting picture. This is a time of year our gardens are not trimmed or tended to, having just come out of the winter. It’s the beginning of the season when the sun has barely poked its head and out of the dead and barren surroundings, small, green tender plants beginning poking their heads above the surface. It can be quite deceiving actually, the changing of the seasons. On one hand, it looks as if winter is over and you begin to see signs of spring, but the final frost hasn’t quite come.

I have found that people offended with God mostly are hurt because they believe God isn’t paying attention to them, so as human nature is, we would prefer to reject others before they have the opportunity to reject us. Many people do this with God. It is a strategy of the enemy to sow seeds of doubt in us that God is not involved in our lives nor does He really care about us. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The opening chapter of the Song of Solomon reveals a facet of His character- a “face” of Jesus if you will, a tender-hearted shepherd. Getting to know Jesus in these different facets opens our eyes toward His character and His attributes in addition to forming a deeper relational bond to Him. The Shulamite begins by telling of her desire for her beloved and confessing her love and then we see that her love is directed toward this face, the shepherd.

Why is it important to know the emotion of God towards humanity, specifically, toward me? Moreover, why does it matter to God that we are acquainted with His affection?

As a child I always desired to please my parents, in fact I am sure it is natural that children desire to know they are doing well and experience the joy of their parents toward them. For girls, usually its the approval of the Father that becomes a primary imparting of confidence in self worth and confidence to grow as a woman, and maybe for Song with their mothers it is similar; to feel the approval of your mother gives confidence in your success as a man.